Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
