youre lurking in front of me
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
