Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
