Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
