Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
