I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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