My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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