I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
