This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
