I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize