I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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