If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
