I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize