i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
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