4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
