remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
