Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
