how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
