How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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