he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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