Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
