So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
