Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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