I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
