i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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