alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
