My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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