Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
