Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
