i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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