Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I need moral support for this bender
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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