I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
