East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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