Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
