OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
