Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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