I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I queefed so loud it echoed.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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