Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Drake has all the answers
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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