Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
