there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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