if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
