i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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