Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
