my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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