fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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