Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
