Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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