You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
