before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
