His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
