Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
