this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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