we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
