3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
