yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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