You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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