Need sex. Gaining weight.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
